Another one from the archives. Unlike RepTIDE #1, this issue was never actually published. It is a compilation of the submissions pending when RepTIDE was shut down in 1996. It includes another Perry Morrison story that could have been the WALL•E of 1996, as well as what was to be a regular column by Matt Tomich. It also includes some Internet legends that you can look up on snopes.com. As a bonus, I have also included the original plea for writers and subscribers.
EMAG> Reptide E-Mag *** From Net-Happenings Moderator *** From: kyricc@@uunet.uu.net (Jason Borgmann) Date: 10 Nov 1995 00:43:10 GMT There is a new E-Mag starting on the net called Reptide. Right now we are in the stages of getting the first issue ready to send out. Our biggest problem is that we are in _dire_ need of writers. If you would like to write for us, please send mail to: reptide@knapp38.res.iastate.edu. Be sure to include the subject you would like to write on in the subject line along wioth the word: 'writer'. If you would like to get a subscription, send mail to the above address and put 'subscription' in the subject line. The topics we have right now are: MUSIC LPC/MUD GAMES SHAREWARE/FREEWARE If you would like to write for any of these topics, or have any other topic ideas, MAIL US!!!
_ \ __ __|_ _| __ \ ____|
| | _ \ __ \ | | | | __|
__ < __/ | | | | | | |
_| \_\___| .__/ _| ___|____/ _____|
_|
eZine
Vol. 1, Issue 2
__________________________________________________________________________
This was in the March 4th, 1996 Information Week:
Apple Computer has taken its share of lumps recently. Now comes
word that if customers call in to Apples help line (800-SOS-APPL) but
accidentally dial a zero instead of the letter O, they'll find themselves
connected to a phone sex line.
Instead of being asked about the health of their Macs, callers are
greeted with a purring voice that says, "Hi, Sexy, you've just connected to
the hottest cat line in America."
Apple's Comment: "It's definitely something we need to investigate
and take corrective action on.
Submitted by: Greg Bartolo @ coin.state.pa.us
__________________________________________________________________________
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student
popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following
dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you
bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old
Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and
pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student
sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a
sword to the examination.
__________________________________________________________________________
SMOKE CRACK #1! (Matt Tomich's column)
The night of October 14th, my new band "Adversary Set" played their first
show at a party at a quiet little house in the musician's ghetto in
downtown Omaha. Yeah, so what, huh? Check this shit out:
I did what I'd normally do for any show that we had. First, I made some
fliers for the party; I felt crazy creative so all the fliers for the party
all in Spanish and with some clip art of a mariachi band on it. They
say "Fiesta de Musica!" and all this junk and it's in this font that's
like old Western movie posters from the 60's and I printed them onto this
yellowy-paper...so you get the idea...it was the "old western/Chavez
grape pickers union" flyer motif...
Well, it turned out that we picked the wrong night, because Phish was
playing in Lincoln, there was an art exhibit and The Cows (that
Minneapolis punk rock performance art band) at the local rock
joint (The Cog Factory), and there was another party across town from the
same 'scene'. As a result, there was a meager showing of about 10. And
then the first band played, and then they said "Okay, see yah! We're
going to go see The Cows!" And about half the people left with them.
And then my band was about the play, except we realize the PA system
speakers are now blown with the cataclysmic ending of the last band's set.
So then we sit around upstairs for about 30 minutes and go, "Screw
it...we'll just play since these people are here and call it a night."
And so we play without a PA system, hook up a microphone up to a bass amp,
and run through about 5 songs. And then, in the middle of our set, these
four Mexican guys walk in and ask in Spanish where "el mariachi groupo" is!
And then they start yelling out requests in Spanish! And I shit you not,
later they were smokin' crack! It was like a goddamn karmatic projection!
And then, we play our last song, and this really drunk and stoned guy
runs up and grabs the microphone and says, "We're not done yet! We're
gonna jam!" And we did this jazzy, beatnik jam with this prolific,
drunk, stoned, crazy guy...for 45 minutes. Meanwhile, the Phish concert
crowd stumbles in reeking of ultra-high blood THC levels and start passing
around the microphone!
And THEN the Cows themselves show up! They come in, have races up and
down the stairs, put Barry White on the stereo, and break a lamp.
It all wound down about 3:30 or 4 a.m. and I spent the night and helped
clean up this morning. It was boring, disapointing, loud, wild, crazy, and
dangerous, all depending on what time you were there.
__________________________________________________________________________
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget
about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride's and best man's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said
he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to
everyone, and told them to open it.
Inside the manilla envelope was an 8x10 picture of his BEST MAN having
sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them
and hired a private dectective to trail them.) After he stood there and
watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the
best man and said "Fuck You", he turned his bride and said "Fuck You", and
then said "I'm out of here".
He got the marriage annulled the next day.
While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out
about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge:
making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception,
letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's
and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
This is his world, we just live in it.
__________________________________________________________________________
Recently the first draft of the Book of Genesis was discovered. It begins:
"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said,
'Let there be light.' And God separated the light from the dark. And
did two loads of laundry."
__________________________________________________________________________
40 THINGS I LEARNED FROM ID4
That I Never Knew Before
By Dean Kanipe Area 51 Research Center
While viewing the film Independence Day, it became apparent that I was
remarkably uninformed about several things related to Area 51, aliens,
military operations, and America in general. Below is a quick list of
a few important things I learned from the film that I never knew
before, and a few lessons that were inferred from the plot. I wish to
thank the creators of ID4 for making these facts much clearer to me.
1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first. Apparently
the best way to destroy a city is to position your "Death Ray" over
the most recognizable building.
2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building directly
under the Death Ray.
3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion,
leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.
4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion
and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you
are travelling with a dog and a small child. The Law of Averages says
you'll survive the Death Ray.
5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion
and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you
are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable TV executive. The Law of
Averages says you'll get waxed by the Death Ray.
6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay the
bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a middle
class subdivision.
7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive
California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees and
use their extensive survival skills to provide food and comfort to
survivors.
8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.
9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base".
10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in
line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the
immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding mountains.
11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at
the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120
degree heat.
12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the
Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard.
13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all
vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter section of
tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion.
14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the
service, including Marines and Air Force.
15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears that
the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run.
16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20 km
across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial
launched nuclear cruise missiles.
17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s. 18.
Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be taught
to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.
19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an
Alien fighter in 5 minutes.
20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use
flight yokes just like ours.
21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor. They
have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith. (He
has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.)
22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the
carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot.
23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into
canyons walls and closing blast doors.
24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored,
they do things to piss off people with hand guns.
25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air
traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified
for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on
missile rack until the missile is fired through his work station.
26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is, "Release
me," "No peace," and "Die!"
27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an Alien
Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls.
28. If you're President and your administration is faltering, manage
to work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew in the
Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service.
29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and an
Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the Joint
Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can take them
all out with one shot. You can always blame the problems of the past
on them after victory is achieved.
30. The President's Press secretary keeps her cell phone listed in the
phone book "in case of emergencies."
31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of your
mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens might
attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith.
32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making
you the laughing stock of the community, never fear. When their
"Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to those who mocked your
tale.
33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can
have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray.
34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you have
revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray, you will
obtain redemption and your children will be proud of you.
35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying,
look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding ring for 4 years
after the divorce.
36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus in
C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system.
37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly
operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer.
38. Alien network security is nonexistent.
39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it
(i.e., 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just enough
technology to possibly defend itself.
40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and "Don't
get out much."
Copyright (c) 1996, Dean Kanipe, 626 West Club Blvd, Durham, NC 27701.
May be reproduced on the Internet for personal use only. Any
reproduction in print or in any fixed or for-profit medium is not
allowed without written permission. Whenever this document is copied,
this copyright statement must remain attached.
Submitted by: Anthony Baratta @ hccsf.com
__________________________________________________________________________
Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...
What Exactly Is Marriage??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the
girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until
we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for
me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether
it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll
do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you
can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave
them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't
tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with
a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, AGE 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody
to clean up after them"
-Anita, AGE 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't
need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7
Submitted by: David Brownback @ net-gate.com
__________________________________________________________________________
Abe Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
JFK was elected to Congress in 1946
Abe was elected President in 1860
JFK was elected President in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights
Both their wives lost their children while living in the House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head
Both were in the presence of their wives
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theatre and
Dallas, respectively
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assasinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners
Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names have 15 letters
Booth ran from the theatre and was captured in a warehouse
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theatre
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before trial
Mystery or statistical coincidence?
Submitted by: Adam Herman
__________________________________________________________________________
Original observation ... thanks to George, my favorite fifth grader.
Consider the answer you might receive asking a grade-school child the
question "What is 2 plus 2?" in each of the last five decades:
in 1956 "4, of course"
in 1966 "3, but it's the method that's important"
in 1976 "just a second while I get out my calculator"
in 1986 "just a second while I launch 'Calculator' on my Mac"
in 1996 "just a second while I check the addition home page"
__________________________________________________________________________
"New McDonald's Menu Items for Adults"
As presented on the 05/15/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Happy Meal with Prozac
9. Anatomically Correct McNuggets
8. Arch Support Deluxe
7. McMetamucil Shake
6. Big Mac served in one of Pamela Anderson's old bras
5. Egg McMuffin with hair plugs
4. Large fries previously owned by Jackie O -- only $145,000
3. Supersize 32-ounce Martinis
2. Victoria's Secret Sauce
1. Quarter Pounder with crack
__________________________________________________________________________
When the outcome of a meeting
is to have another meeting,
it has been a lousy meeting.
-Herbert Clark Hoover
__________________________________________________________________________
Presenting... Menu Man
Call the following number (704) 377-4444. When the recording comes on, hit
extension 1955. Then listen.
The voice you'll hear belongs to a guy who reads the school lunch menu for
kids in Charlotte, North Carolina -- and he is completely out of his gourd.
A true blue loon. For the first minute or so, he sounds relatively sane.
Then, he starts reading the items on the school menu: french fries, green
beans, and pizza. This guy is so disturbing that the he's becoming a cult
figure in New York media circles. (As well as in Newsweek and on the BBC).
Happy listening!
Menu Man's web page is http://www.charlotte.com/ads/menuman/
__________________________________________________________________________
Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."
*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.
__________________________________________________________________________
Wouldn't life be much simpler, if people
just changed color along with their mood?
-Penny Thoughts
__________________________________________________________________________
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the
astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks
very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large
vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar
spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures
walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people
were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not
know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the
NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to
the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message
to the moon with the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape
recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to
translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every
person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with
cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they
come to take your land."
__________________________________________________________________________
No time like past
(Trumpets please): NBC behind the times
ATLANTA -- And now for my impression of the Olympics on TV:
TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the
Olympic Theme Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri
Strug's historic vault, it's time for our broadcast of The Recently
Videotaped Olympic Games Featuring Americans. We're going to start by
taking you right to the track-and-field stadium, where the men's
100-meter dash is about to get under way, despite the fact that it
actually happened four hours ago.
TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, this promises to be an exciting race,
featuring Americans.
COSTAS: And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome
to create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?
TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome
psoriasis, vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.
COSTAS: We'll come back to the men's 100-meter final, but
right now we're going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American,
overcoming her ankle injury to make her courageous vault.
(Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: What a human moment! Time for a commercial.
ANNOUNCER: We're IBM. We're a giant corporation with vast computer
expertise. That's why we're in charge of keeping track of all the
statistics for these, the Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
COSTAS: Now we're going to take you to women's beach volleyball, where
the sun is shining brightly despite the fact that it is now 10:37 p.m.
on the East Coast.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an
American, and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced,
ultra-slow-motion Beach Cam closeup shot, she has overcome cellulite.
COSTAS: I'll say. When is she going to serve?
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: She'll be serving in about 4 seconds,
Bob.
COSTAS: I'm sorry, but we don't have that kind of time, because we
need to show this Heartwarming Moment.
(Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: Now let's go out to the cycling competition, where I believe
we have a race involving an American.
CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown
here pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up
to 636th.
COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome?
CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of
hemorrhoids.
COSTAS: We'll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now
we're going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on
the men's 100-meter dash.
TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and
should be over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has
fallen down.
COSTAS: We're going to break away from the men's 100-meter dash at
this point, but we will be covering it throughout the course of the
evening. Right now, however, we want you to see this moment, captured
by our NBC cameras.
(Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: Now let's head out to the pool to check on the progress of the
American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.
SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a
race. This happened earlier.
COSTAS: How much earlier?
SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz.
COSTAS: Time for this commercial.
ANNOUNCER: We're the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions
of dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay
absurdly high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank
you.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
(Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: OK, right now there are exciting gold-medal competitions going
on in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball,
volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we're going to take
you to beach volleyball.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly
McPeak is bending over.
COSTAS: I'll say.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
(Kerri Strug vaults.)
__________________________________________________________________________
MAN SUES PEPSI OVER VERY BIG PRIZE
==================================
And soft drink maker sues for alleged frivolity
SEATTLE (AP) - John Leonard is taking his Pepsi challenge to court.
The 21-year old business student says he's collected his Pepsi
points and wants his prize - A Harrier fighter jet like the one pictured in
a pepsi promotional TV ad.
On Tuesday, his Miami lawyers filed a lawsuit in Dade County, Fla.,
Circuit Court, accusing PepsiCo Inc. of breach of contract, fraud, deceptive
and unfair trade practices, and misleading advertising.
Pepsi maintains the commercial was a spoof and says it has a perfect
right to use humor in its advertising.
Leonard, a student at Shoreline Community College, saw a television
ad last year as part of a Pepsi Stuff promotion in which customers who had
racked up points on beverage containers could claim prizes.
As a joke, the company also "offered" the $70 million fighter jet
for 7 million points. That means Leonard would have had to drink 16,800,000
cans of Pepsi to earn the Harrier.
To avoid having to drink that much Pepsi, Leonard called the company
and said he was told he had the option of buying Pepsi points for 10 cents each.
Leonard rounded up five investors and on March 28 delivered to Pepsi
15 original Pepsi Points plus a check for $700,008.50 for the remaining
6,999,985 points, "plus shipping and handling," the lawsuit says.
After Leonard threatened to sue because he didn't get the jet, the
company filed a pre-emptive suit July 18 in federal court in New York,
seeking to have his claims declared frivolous and seeking reimbursement for
the company's legal fees.
Leonard denies his actions are a publicity stunt or an attempt to
get Pepsi to settle out of court. He saw a plane as an entrepreneurial
venture, saying perhaps he could take customers on thrill rides.
Submitted by: Ryan Mintz @ umich.edu
__________________________________________________________________________
{These are real examples from real resumes)
--Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation.
Submitted by: John LaVerne @ sedgus.com
__________________________________________________________________________
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
-Sig File
__________________________________________________________________________
Return-Path: perry@taunet.net.au
Received: from efemce.taunet.net.au (efemce.taunet.net.au [203.21.6.50]) by knapp38.res.iastate.edu (8.7.5/8.6.12) with ESMTP id TAA01549 for ; Tue, 3 Sep 1996 19:42:57 -0500 (CDT)
Received: from [203.21.6.121] by efemce.taunet.net.au
with SMTP (Apple Internet Mail Server 1.1); Wed, 4 Sep 1996 10:11:56 +0930
Message-Id:
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
Date: Wed, 4 Sep 1996 10:20:37 +0930
To: RepTIDE Magazine
From: perry@taunet.net.au (perry morrison)
Subject: Re: Sorry...
Hers's a story you might use. It appeared in a broadsheet some years back.
I've given it to some other zines as well, so I hope you don't mind.
Any feedback would be welcome.
I've simply enclosed it because the only alternative format I have is to
send it in binhexed word 5.0 for mac. (I can't MIME encode).
Best
Perry
Terd of the Earth
by
Perry Morrison
perry@taunet.net.au
The roar of the flux engines ripped savagely into the Earth and
shook it with a sustained violence. Slowly, under the power of the motors,
the city of 30 million inhabitants rose from its foundations and hovered
for a moment, almost as if bidding adieu. Then, encased in its protective
silica-dome like a planetarium of enormous proportions, it climbed and
began to take on the velocity it needed to clear the gravitational pull of
Earth.
From the sanctuary of a pile of discarded tyres, Terd held up one
of his seven eyeballs and surveyed the city's departure with some
satisfaction.
That's the last one. He thought.
He didn't quite know whether he should perform a ceremony for this
symbolic moment or simply let it pass. He decided that there would be
plenty of time for ceremonies and instead he should now take a few moments
to take stock of the situation.
In the haste of the preparations for departure, the techs had been
distracted and he had managed to slip through the security screen of the
lab and out into the safety of the refuse layer. This thought, and the
departure of the techs in the domed city gave him cause for great
celebration.
No more lab. He rejoiced to himself. No more Lab.
If he had a proper mouth he would have grinned, instead he emerged
from the garbage heap and clapped three of his hands together as he
entwined the stalks of five eyeballs and swung his massive sexual organ
around like a club.
Then, all of a sudden, the enormity of the situation descended upon
him. He was alone on Earth now- an Earth covered by a refuse layer three
miles deep and with an atmosphere that spontaneously exploded. He had never
been alone in his life and the prospect disturbed him. He was, if nothing
else, a reflective organism.
He picked up his sexual organ and scratched behind one eyeball with
it. He was certainly an odd creature. He was a TERD. Tetramutagenic
Experimental Refuse Devourer. Lab technicians' humour was inevitably
undergraduate.
He represented Earth's last chance to control the garbage levels
that it's legislators could not. Essentially, he had been engineered to
course through the rubbish mountains, consuming everything and converting
it to an inert paste that would be recycled at some future time when humans
became less concerned with simply enjoying themselves. And for that purpose
he had been provided with five, ten fingered hands, seven eyeballs and a
long, elastic body that terminated in an anus. The brilliance of the design
lay in the extent to which his body could be reconfigured - the hands moved
to wherever he wanted them. Even his single ear could slide beneath his
wrinkled, leathery skin to the position most desired. And all of this was
intended to contribute to his ability to navigate the narrow confines of
the compacted garbage that had rendered the Earth unlivable.
The one defect in the design however, the point at which the
calculations had obviously failed, was in the size of his genitalia.
Instead of a small, protected organ of reasonable potency, he had emerged
with a great dangling phallus of monstrous dimensions which dragged behind
him and battered itself to death amongst the sharp edges it encountered. As
a result, he had been labelled an outright failure, yet the techs found
some endearing qualities in him and kept him as a kind of mascot. After
all, he had been designed to be at least semi-sentient.
Yet, even though he had lived a reasonably comfortable life at the
hands of the techs, the mental cruelty had been unimaginable. He possessed
no language worth mentioning, but he knew what they were laughing at when
they pointed him out to their visiting colleagues. It had made him wish
that he could be rid of the thing that dogged him wherever he went. He had
even picked it up on occasion and bashed it against the sides of his
enclosure, but this had merely brought tears to all of his eyes.
Pushing this out of his mind for the moment, Terd picked up his
member and cradled it on top of his body as he loped along the surface
rubbish to the headland nearest where the city had been located. As he
rounded a tortured collection of plastic, he noticed something out of the
corner of several of his eyes, recognizing at once that it was the female
of his species. She at least, had managed to develop with a modest sexual
armoury, yet on occasions he had noticed her gazing at him admiringly from
the safety of her own enclosure. It crossed his mind that she too must have
taken her chances when the moment had come. He motioned for her to
accompany him and together they continued up to the headland, bounding
along with genetically engineered ease.
As they emerged on the tip of the headland, they both noticed a
large monolith that towered menacingly at the edge closest to where the
ocean would have been if the refuse had allowed it. They approached
cautiously and eventually drew up level with it. There was a click and a
momentarily irritating hum as a compartment of the monolith slid forward. A
cultured voice accompanied it.
"Greetings O visitor to Earth. We, the human race, having been
unable to contain our consumption and resultant waste, have elected to
leave our planet and seek a cleaner environment. We leave here a monument
to our civilization and an offering of friendship."
A small square of synthetic material emerged within the compartment
and at the same time a gust of hydrocarbon wind whipped past, depositing
some garbage into the compartment itself. Terd was impressed by the latter.
Control of the wind as well!
"We hereby bequeath to you on this piece of silicate, the entire
history and knowledge of our race" the voice continued. " Use it together.
Use it in peace."
Terd stepped back solemnly, knowing within himself that the moment
of ceremony was upon them. He saluted with two hands while holding up his
anus with a third hand and with a great deal of concentration, emitted a
sound that was remarkably like "DNA", apart from its tonal resonance.
It was a feat he had learned with the help of the technicians in
the lab. He had found that if he controlled his anus in the correct way, he
could often make sounds that resembled common vowels and consonants. And in
order to impress his hosts, Terd had taken to repeating words that were
commonly used about the lab - like DNA. This had caused a furore amongst
the technicians. Often they collapsed to the floor in convulsions, crawled
about the floor or wiped their eyes in odd communicative gestures. They
had even taught him many other words, although these were generally short
and sharp in nature. They demanded little effort and he had tended to shy
away from them in the end.
After his utterance, the female looked at him strangely, but he
knew that the importance of ceremony would become clear to her in time.
Then, with a mixed curiosity, Terd stared into the depths of the
compartment. He picked up the square component and tossed it into his
zipper like mouth, then spat it out as he recognized the sharp taste of an
inorganic. The silicate was snatched by the wind and quickly disappeared
into the murk, but Terd was unperturbed. After all, something that small
couldn't possibly be very important.
He continued rummaging around in the compartment and pulled out the
objects that the gust of hydrocarbon wind had dumped there. As a symbol
manipulating animal, Terd was aware that the deposition of the objects by
the wind was a highly symbolic event, perhaps even deserving of its own
ceremony. He pulled out the objects and inspected them. Unfortunately he
did not have the language skills to decipher the scrawls on their exterior.
CHEEZE TWISTEAZE
Super Dubble Yum Yum Flayvor
Read the first.
New Slick Sam Teflon Prophylactic
(Why Should Only Frypans Have it So Good?)
Read the second.
Clearly, the inhabitants of the city had deliberately left these
for him. The monolith, the voice, the hydrocarbon wind at the right moment;
all of these indicated that the objects were of great significance- of
symbolic significance.
Quickly he unwrapped the second object and pulled out the elongated
rubber item within. Its purpose struck him in a flash and he immediately
placed the item over one of his eyeballs so that it covered it and its
supporting stalk. With scarcely suppressed awe he noticed how it instantly
altered his state of consciousness so that he viewed the world in a more
subdued, brownish light and he knew too that this was its intended purpose.
Henceforth, his view of the world that he found himself in would be
unimaginably changed.
Having become more accustomed to this new state of experience, he
eagerly inspected the first object, but found that it contained nothing but
organic crumbs. Clearly, its significance lay in the symbols on its
exterior and he immediately resolved to dedicate his life to their fuller
understanding.
And as he stood on the headland, listening to the suppressed sound
of the surf as it heaved a hundred meter layer of garbage in its swell, he
scanned upwards trying to catch a last glimpse of the civilization that had
bequeathed this to him.
Then, grasping his mate with several hands, he looked down from
every angle at his domain. It was a good inheritance: more food than could
possibly be eaten in a billion lifetimes, a mate and a fund of knowledge to
assist them. From here they would grow. This would be the start of a race
of Terds building upon the ashes of the old.
With a sudden inspiration he wielded his sexual member above his
head, threatening the world that lay before him and then uttered a rasping,
throaty roar from his anus. To his satisfaction, the vibrant echoes of
"DNA" recoiled off the ridges with ominous depth. And behold, he knew that
it was good.
And as he viewed the heavens with his prophylactic eye, there could
be no doubt in his simple mind that he had become part of an immortal
chain. Obviously, just as his creators had been bequeathed the heritage of
a greater being, so too the Terds had now inherited a purpose, a mandate
over this planet and an obligation that could not be denied.
He looked down at the object with symbols and asked himself what
mysteries it contained. Clearly, it was the foundation stone of a new
civilization- just as it had been the foundation of the old. Yet, would
they ever truly understand it? How could they begin to emulate the marvels
of what had been, without knowing its message?
And as his mind played tricks with the Teflon on one eyeball, he
believed for a moment that he could discern the faint red glare of the city
in the distant depths of space. It was a symbolic moment that he could not
let slip. He saluted stiffly, emitted a trumpeting "DNA" and extended one
hand to the heavens, as if reaching for the outstretched hand of a higher
presence.
Finally, he flourished the symbolic object in a gesture of farewell
and watched the diminishing rays of sunlight scatter from its coloured
edges.
DISPOSE OF THOUGHTFULLY
It read
Related posts:
- RepTIDE #1 FROM THE ARCHIVES: ISSUE 001; Dated OCT 2, 1996 [Well...
- Remembering RepTIDE Well, the new header is up. I’m not really thrilled...
2 Trackbacks/Pingbacks
[...] “web-zines” on the internet. You can see 2 of the surviving (only?) issues here and here. This is a post specifically “remembering RepTIDE” from June 2, 2004. There is also a [...]
[...] downloadEr din computer langsom?Gør din pc hurtigere, gratis downloadGør din computer hurtig igenFå en hurtigere computer var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."
; [...]
Post a Comment